Ahrora wrote:Hikarikaze wrote:A lot of consistent grammatical mistakes with quotations along with other mistakes but it seems alright, nothing remarkable. The story so far is lackluster and the imagery doesn't really do much in terms of emotional invocation though.
I agree what do you think would make the story better?
Well, chapter one sounds like something out of Mobile Suit Gundam, which almost always handles war stories well in different tones, but that relies a lot on imagery. Similarly this story should rely on a bit more imagery, but the images should have some weight to it. The part where Captain Fogg dies sounds horrific on paper but there isn't much that conveys the weight of that. You have a character shocked but that's it. There's no change, minor or major, to the character's thoughts, actions, or personality. It doesn't help that right after that, the character just starts shooting as if nothing really happened and that it's just regular old business. If Catherine were to say start shooting out of blind anger in order to avenge Fogg's death, then that scene would be more powerful as is because 1.) it shows the gruesomeness of war, both physically and psychologically, 2.) it makes a character dynamic, and 3.) it adds more life to the scene and the people in it. The soldier at the end does this but to a small degree which is okay since it's a minor and insignificant character, but the degree should be larger for the more significant and named characters. They're the ones at the forefront of the story after all so the reader should be able to see as many sides to them as possible while they hang around with the characters for a long time in the narrative
Chapter 2 also tries to develop personalities for the characters in the beginning so it's off to a good start. The criticism I put for chapter 1 is also answered in chapter 2, so this one isn't bad. Writing stories is more of an art, and it should be treated the same as painting a picture. You want as many details to fit in one space as possible, but the details should contribute to the scene, like how colors help develop a picture or how certain props and their placements influence certain thoughts and emotions.